American Idols Live! Tour 2009
GM Place
Wednesday night
Here's a tip: Exclamation marks should always be used sparingly, and should not be used to describe a concert tour.
Oh, sure, you could place one informally, say, at the end of "That sucked!" or "A marvelous evening of music!" as you leave the venue.
But in the name itself? Never.
Especially when said tour is called American Idols Live! and features a veritable who's who of the televised version's top 10 from Season 8.
Seriously, who are these people?
Okay, there's Kris Allen, the winner.
And Adam Lambert, who conspiracy theorists claim should have won. (He's gay, in case you didn't hear!)
Then, like the original theme from Gilligan's Island, there's the rest: Allison Iraheta, Anoop Desai, Danny Gokey, Lil Rounds, Matt Giraud, Megan Joy, Michael Sarver and Scott MacIntyre, arguably the most famous blind man in North America and unwitting recipient of Ryan Seacrest's ill-advised and unannounced high-five, probably the most awkward skin slip in television history.
Of course, as Lambert told me earlier in the day, the tour is more musical showcase than concert. Still, it's kind of like watching Stars on Ice, minus the stars.
Harsh? Well, as Simon (Cowell) says, it's a tough business.
Touring on television ratings is like signing a book deal because you're Joe the Plummer: Opportunistic.
While there's talent (and various record deals) in this bunch, there's little original material in the vaults so it's unrealistic to fill GM Place after a gazillion people watched them all perform covers ad nauseam on television.
Right? Well, kind of.
At 3 p.m., four hours before the concert's slated start time, at least a hundred female tweens armed with signs and flanked by moms percolated behind barriers outside of GM Place, hoping for a glimpse of an Idol or, better yet, an autograph.
And while I still firmly believe that placing on a popular talent show doesn't necessarily give you credentials to tour North America, clearly, on this day in Vancouver, I was in the minority.
This fact became magnified inside the stadium, where this late-30-something reporter was seated on the floor (row 10, to be precise) amidst a sea of enthusiastic tweens and teens. (Sing it with me: "One of these things is not like the other/one of these things just doesn't belong.")
As the lights dimmed, the countdown began and the band launched into a live rendition of American Idol's theme song (branding people!), the upperbowl of GM Place remained empty (though to be fair to the Idols, Oasis couldn't populate that either).
Former oil roughneck Michael Sarver got things going with a couple of soulful covers before a cute-but-disturbingly-uncoordinated Megan Joy took the reins (no So You Think You Can Dance for her).
Then it was MacIntyre's turn.
Playing the piano, he actually turned in a solid Keane cover before making a joke about Seacrest's flagrant, five-fingered foul.
"The high-five heard around the world," he said. "That kind of stuff''s been happening my whole life."
By the time Lil Rounds came on (and if you haven't figured it out yet, they're performing in order of elimination), one got the sense that the somewhat muted audience was just politely waiting for Allen and Lambert (mostly Lambert) to take the stage.
Predictable? Yes!
Anoop Desai came next, performing a decent rendition of Always on Your Mind, a song originally recorded by Brenda Lee but made famous by Elvis.
He also performed Bobby Brown's My Prerogative, which really shouldn't be covered by any artist, ever again.
Matt Giraud's got a good voice, but by this time I couldn't help but think that, record deal or not, time will forget most of these performers, and they'll take their place in obscurity, just above cynical music writers.
After a spirited and wind machine-aided performance by the young Allison Iraheta — including an impressive cover of Heart's Barracuda — it was time for the top three.
With Danny Gokey came an increase in female decibels, even though his rendition of Santana's Maria, Maria kind of made him look like a substitute teacher doing karaoke (although he would totally win the prize money in the film, Duets).
Lambert alert! If anyone's a rock star in the making, it's this guy.
Sure, his rendition of Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love sounded a bit showy (think Sebastian Bach rather than Robert Plant), but this kid's got a serious set of pipes. (Although, for some reason, I kept thinking I was the evildoer in a Andrew Lloyd Weber goth musical.)
Still, maybe the legions of Lambert fans have it right: By the time Idol winner Allen took the stage, it kind of felt like the digestif.
Solid singer, but none of Lambert's chrisma, presence or guy-liner.
Bottom line: As talented as every one of these performers is, this "showcase" felt too much like an extension of the televised version.
Like a talent show, without the train wrecks we've come to know and love.
Without the exclamation marks.
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